fox and houndWell, I think we’ve found it… the perfect home.  It has great potential.  It’s structurally sound, has a lot of space, and is by far the home that has the greatest total number of weird things going on with it.  Like I said… the perfect home.

Back Story:  From what we can tell is the couple that bought this home 6-7 years ago are now divorcing.  The husband who seems to have been a handy man from the repairs that have been done on the home is no where to be found.  He also seems to understand the fine art of taxidermy as shown with some of the decor I can only assume was his choice.  The wife is now in the home along with a few roommates.  Although the total number hasn’t been confirmed, we suspect at least two.  We know this because we have never been able to view this particular home without someone being there with us roaming around and interjecting themselves into conversations while claiming that they don’t have a phone and had no idea there was a showing scheduled.

The first roommate which we have nicknamed “Mike” only because he sorta looks like a “Mike” has been there with us twice and has a couple of cute little boys that we saw running around at one point.  The second roommate, “Rib Joe”, is impressively large weighing in at probably 400 pounds. This first time we met him he was extracting himself from a gigantic conversion van wearing a stained and stretched out white t shirt, gym shorts and no shoes while lugging with him a trash bag full of styrofoam left over containers that we later learned were full of ribs.  There were probably 9 containers with ribs and the fixings in that bag.  I know they are ribs because when I apologized for interrupting his dinner and told him that he didn’t have to wait to eat on account of us, he smiled a toothless grin and explained to me that he wants to be alone with his ribs and uninterrupted.  I really don’t want to know why.  We have also counted two cats and a smallish growling dog that wander around.

The home is a short sale which means that the owners are on the cusp of foreclosure and are unable to pay their bills.  This of course doesn’t seem to stop them from constantly traveling.  I will say that once we made an offer, they have been as easy to work with as they are strange and Jerry Springer material.

High on the Strange Meter:  We have seen a lot of strange decorating ideas and signs of low maintenance in homes.  This one takes the cake.  We were so taken aback by the stuff in this house that we had to schedule a second viewing to really focus on the potential of the home.  Some of the more interesting features of this house include:

  • The closet in the master bedroom is locked. We have not seen inside of it any of the three times we have visited although “Mike” was nice enough to describe it to us at one point. We are told that the reason for this is to prevent people (kids and roommates) from stealing things while the wife travels, but we have a couple of different theories. We think either the husband’s corpse is hidden in there and they will transport him in the fridge when they move or it’s a portal to another dimension. We are really hoping for number two, and I hope that the other dimension has ample closest space.
  • This is not the only locked door. There is a door that could be a closet in the main bathroom that cannot be opened. The main basement area was also locked once, although we have confirmed there is nothing of major importance down there.
    The garage is packed full floor to ceiling and wall to wall with stuff like most of the house. There are probably at least 25 vacuums lined up in there along the walls. The garage also contains the largest Christmas wreath I have ever seen in my live. It is so large, they have mounted it to the ceiling for storage.
  • In having a look around the house, it’s pretty obvious that someone is a taxidermist…or knows one. Stuffed critters scattered around the house include a rooster and hen, an angry looking raccoon, two deer (well, the head portion of them), a cobra battling a mongoose or a ferret or something from the long, narrow rodent family, and our favorite…a fox. We suspect there is a moose somewhere… possibly in the closet.
  • They have mounted and hung a big brass dining room chandelier over the vanity in the master bathroom. They failed to mount it far enough away from the wall so it rests on the mirror. The vent fan in the bathroom sounds like a game show buzzer when you turn it on. Ken spent 10 minutes in there saying, “Survey Says?!?” and then flipping it on for a sound effect. We may keep that feature for his entertainment.

Hidden Potential:  This house has so much potential, and we believe that the majority of it is lost in the jungle that was once a back yard.  During one of our safaris back there we discovered there was once some landscaping done.  There is a bird bath hidden in the corner.  We also found a couple of benches.  In the middle of the yard there is a water feature complete with waterfall and Koi fish.  I believe they think they’ve been transported back to the wild.  Ken, who has hired someone to do his yard work for him since he was 12, is actually excited about landscaping.  I think it’s like unwrapping a present.  Once we get the six tons of overgrowth removed, and repair the gigantic deck, it will look like a picture out of a design magazine.  At least that’s what I see in my head… don’t spoil my dream with do it yourself realities.

This house that we have lovingly named “The Fox and the Hound” after the original growling dog and the spectacular stuffed fox is beginning to feel more and more like home… and it’s not even ours yet.  We’ve made our offer, had an engineer pick through it and done a termite inspection.  As I mentioned before, this particular arrangement is a short sale.  So now we are patiently waiting to hear if the bank has accepted our offer.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed.  We really have our hearts set on it.