Archive for the ‘ Planet of Random Thoughts ’ Category

cartoon_clockHappy New Year everyone! So it’s the middle of January and I’ve not failed my New Year’s resolution yet…. mostly it’s because I’m late on making it.  I really wanted to come up with a good one instead the normal things like get in shape and lose weight, eat better, accomplish goals… blah, blah, blah.  So I started reflecting on myself hoping that this would bring about an idea of something I can resolve to change for good old 2010.  I didn’t, but I did find that I have many, many really strange quirks, and once I identified one of them, and really started looking, more came to light.  I mean… I’m really weird.  I can understand how shocking this is for the people that know me.  For those of you who don’t, here are some of the things I’ve discovered I do…

1)  When I’m upset…I mean really angry and I’m about to give someone a piece of my mind because I’ve had enough, I always begin my rant with “You know what?!?!”

2) I will tell you what time it is – randomly – even when you haven’t asked and don’t particularly care.  I always keeps tabs of the clock, and wll announce “it’s 5:37!”.  I will actually wake up in the night, and sleepily say what time it is.  Do you remember when you would call the bank and there was a woman that would tell you the date and time?  I could have rocked that job.

3)  Every time I finish laughing out loud at something, I make the same strange air intake noise.  Imagine you are making a hissing noise, but suck in instead. 

4)  When I ride in the elevator with one other person and they get off on a floor before mine, I compulsively go to stand where they were. 

5)  I touch random things. In a restaurant or a mall or anyplace really, I will find a light fixture or a pole or something random that I need to discover the texture of.  Sometimes these things aren’t easy to get to, but I manage. 

6) A lot of sentences I hear that have 7 syllables are instantly put to the tune of “Camp Town Ladies” in my mind and followed by “Do-Dah, Do-Dah”.  For instance, “Can you take the trash out please?” [do-dah, do-dah] or “Mom, my tummy really hurts” [do-dah, do-dah].

7)  I can’t go to sleep if my feet aren’t clean.

8)  I’m a radio station flipper.  It’s bad.  I was given an iPod last Christmas so I would stop it.  Even if I’m listening to my iPod in the car, I will still find myself longing to reach up and push the radio button.  It’s not because the music is bad because I will hear a song that this is a song I really like and then immediately change it.  I think it’s more important for me to know everything that’s playing than for me to actually listen to something.

9) I do not high-five.  For whatever reason my brain assumes everyone is trying to shake or hold my hand.  So, you put your hand up for me to festively smack in celebration, unless I really stop and think, I’ll reach up and hold it.  You hold out a a fist for me to bump, I’ll nicely wrap my hand around it.  I really have no idea why. 

I could go on as there are many.  I know I’m a bit different.  I kinda like it.  So, I guess my new year’s resolution is to embrace my quirks and to know that I’m special…. to continue to look deep within myself to discover my uniqueness and to love it.  That, and I’m totally going to lose weight when it gets warmer.  Oh… It’s 12:27.

Oh, the things that have come out of my mouth.

When my daughter Al was little, I debated writing a book that listed in an inspirational quote book style things that I found myself saying that sounded absolutely ridiculous.  Anyone that finds themselves around small children understands exactly what I’m talking about.  An autopilot of sorts kicks in and you find yourself answering question that are hilarious and out of left field as seriously and non-chalantly as you would give the time to a friendly stranger.

Q: Do caterpillers have eyebrows?
A: I don’t think they do.

Q:  Why do I have to wear both socks?
A: Because otherwise you are uneven.

Q: What color is blue?
A: Blue.

At first, my daughter would always accept these answers without much question, but as she grew older the questions came one right after another giving them the feel of an actual discussion.  Once you get into the rhythm of this, you find yourself having full-on conversations without realizing how illogical they truly are.  One time I remember vividly was when she was about four.  We were in Florida and she had spotted a lizard on the wall.  The “discussion” went something like this…

Al:  Momma, what’s that?
Me: It’s a lizard.
Al: Does he have hands?
Me: Yes, but they are just like his feet.
Al: Is he on a wall?
Me: Yes, don’t you see him on the wall?
Al: Yes, but isn’t he brown?
Me: Yes, he looks brown.
Al: Why?
Me: Because some lizards are brown.
Al: No, why is he a lizard?
Me: Because he was born that way.
Al: (laughing) That’s funny.

Now… keep in mind that it wasn’t until she ran off laughing that I started questioning this conversation and more importantly why it was funny.  At the time, this was the sort of conversation I was completely used to having with her.  I should have appreciated them as soon I would begin the long phase of “things I never thought I would say.”

They usually starts small. First you realize that you have begun saying things exactly like your parents said… things you always hated growing up that you promised yourself you would never say when you had kids.

“Because I said so!”
“Do you need me to give you something to cry about?”
“Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

Suddenly they make complete sense.  These same phases progress into gentle reprimands that need to be said at the time, but that you never, ever in a million years thought they would be needed.  Things that pour out of your mouth and sound so ridiculous that they resonate in your mind.  Things that make you take pause and question which one of you is the crazy one.

“Keep the Silly Putty out of your hair.”
“Stop climbing on the refrigerator.”
“We are having company; do not color your toes purple.”

I am glad to say that this has tapered off over the last year or so.  Silly reprimands have turned into corrections about attitude and following the rules.  My girl is growing up, and with that, she is starting to understand what common sense is…sometimes.  She is also learning social skills and will interject things into a conversation that she is having with her friends – or with my friends – that may not have any relevance whatsoever.

The other day in the car, Ken and his son, Alex and I were having a conversation about the current road construction when she proudly added that Michael Jackson had died.  Thank you.  The best is when she attempts to begin a conversation.  She is truly from the planet of Random Thoughts.  Recent conversation starters have included an announcement of “I like pie!” and a general poll of “raise your hand if you’ve ever seen cabbage.”

My favorite attempt of a conversation happened about a month ago.  Ken, Alex and I were in the kitchen gabbing and making breakfast.  Al walked into the kitchen to join us and noticed that the talking had died down a little.  In an attempt to get it started back up again, she politely posed the question…”Alex, how many toes do you have?”  Seriously.  I thought we were done with questions like that.  The sad thing is while everyone else stood there a little stunned, I just non-chalantly answered it…then I laughed.

Aside from the many wonderful moments of humor this has provided, I find another upside.  Since she was born I have dreaded having to have “adult” talks with her. Having to explain “the birds and the bees” and talking to her about certain life things while pretending to be mature and not uncomfortable.  Let me tell you; I’ve been prepared.  I have found that answering any question about body changes, boys or feminine products are cake as compared to some of the inventive answers I’ve come up with in the past.

And to the millions of questions I will face in the future and the millions of things I will hear myself say that I have never said before, I say “bring it on…  and do not color your toes green either.”

Are you motivated yet?

Movitation Poster

Ah, yes, motivational posters… one of the things that actually came out of this decade. I assume these were born out of executives needing something inspiring and clever to hang on their office walls. These posters, which I believe were created by Successories, Inc, always include some sort of serene photograph like an eagle soaring and then had a motivational word underneath the picture followed by a positive quote or definition.

Of course since most things inspirational eventually give birth to sarcasm and parody, this was no exception. Now we have demotivational posters that directly mock the original idea. I believe the first group to really promote this idea using the same type of serene images, but including a more realistic or negative word and it’s appropriate definition was Despair, Inc. Soon the rest of America jumped on this band wagon and set out to use their own hilarious pictures in a similar format. Now there are thousands of these things floating around out there to happen upon.

Over the years and after many forwarded emails, I have saved the ones that are just absolutly hands down my favorite. Sometimes it’s the photograph itself that I love; other times it’s the clever saying associated with it, but in either case these have me absolutely roaring in laughter and wiping tears from my eyes.

Here they are in no particular order…

My Bad Side

Apparently I have a bad side. Sure, I knew that I have bad mood days, but over all I try to be mostly pleasant.

I leave the car for two minutes to ask for directions, and my daughter takes advantage of my absence to quiz Ken on why and what exactly he likes about me so much. Like the good man he is, he explained to her that he loves everything about me. This wasn’t good enough because she wanted specific information. He explained that I take care of people and that I’m nice and anything else he could think of at the moment to satisfy her curiosity. Then she asked him… “What about her bad side?” Taking the opportunity to enjoy her unique perspective, he asked her “Your mother has a bad side? What is her bad side?” With a tone only a very serious 10 year old can muster informed him bravely and sternly, “Yes, it’s her left side.”

I had no idea, but I’m going to make sure I tilt my head sightly to the left from now on so I can show the world my good side.

Child Logic

This morning on the way to drop off my daughter we noticed that the skies were becoming a bit overcast.  This is a devastating time for things to look like there might be a chance of rain because the potential to ruin fireworks is there.  I expressed out loud what we were both thinking; “I sure hope it doesn’t rain on Saturday for fireworks.”

The following serious conversation occurred:

Al:   (in deep thought) I’m sure God wouldn’t allow that to happen.
Me:  Well, He knows what’s best and might know of something more important.
Al: [looks at me like I’m an idiot for thinking there might be something more important than fireworks]
Me: There could be a farmer that needs the rain or his crops might die and the family could starve.
Al: Then God should go to Iowa!  He can rain on the farmers there.
Me: (testing her logic) Don’t you think there are people that would be just as disappointed in Iowa if there are no fireworks?
Al:  Mom… [insert sigh meaning that she is being patient with my idiocy] They are farmers… they don’t have time for fireworks.

Men

Salt PacketMy daughter and I decided to have dinner at Panera’s tonight.  After we got our soup, I left the table to go up front to grab some salt.  I stood there for a couple minutes waiting for the man to finish putting a lid on a drink before he noticed me.  He quickly apologized for having been in my way, and I quickly told him that it was fine and reached over to grab the packages I needed.

When I grabbed a few packages, he said, “Surely a woman that looks as wonderful as you do doesn’t need that.”  I paused, smiled and went back to my table.  What was that?  Was he flirting?  Was he concerned about my sodium levels?  And they say we are confusing.

© 2009 What's on Melissa's Mind.


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